Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in 15 Minutes
by Iggity
Summary: In a nutshell, parody of the movie 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. T for language. Full explaination inside.  Previously HermyandRon. I'm still the same person, I promise!


Some Harry Potter fan I am, huh? Instead of reading Deathly Hallows, I'm on the computer posting a parody of the fourth Harry Potter film and writing the twenty-fifth chapter of Forever and Always. I have, however, gotten through six chapters, and my mum and I have this tradition where we read the book together since she's absorbed in the series as well. But anyway.

My earlier attempts at this were, apparently, funny, but it kept going WAY off topic, so I  
re-wrote it.

Shelly will be guest staring as the peanut gallery (a.k.a. the one who makes the smart-ass comments).

Katey will be, well, me.

"Both" will refer to something that both Shelly and I would say at the same time.

Please keep in mind that this is rated T for a reason. There are mentions of sexual themes, and there is vulgar language 'cause that's just what was going through my head when I watched the movie.

Also, I make fun of the acting, but only because there are certain parts that they could've performed better in. I really do love the kids. Especially Rupert. Rawr, baby.

Please keep in mind that this is all in good fun. I enjoyed the movie, but there was just so much I could do with the material that I just _had_ to write this.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Fifteen to Thirty Minutes**

**SNAKE**: -crawls along grass, heading for house-

**CAMERA**: - decides that the snake is no longer important, despite it's big ass, abnormal size, and trails up to the sky where (as always) the title of the film is written. As if we paid $30.00 for a DVD to NOT know the title-

**CAMERA TWO**: -switches with **CAMERA** and we find ourselves looking at an ugly old man who (to the people who actually READ the books) is named Frank, but that's (as usual) not important-

**FRANK:** -sees that the house across the way is on fire- Well, fuck me.

**SHELLY**: Yeah, I'll pass, plzkthnx.

**THE DARKNESS**: -is dark-

**FRANK**: -is stupid enough to wave a flashlight all over the place-

**BOTH**: Riiiight, cuz you won't get caught or anything doing that…

**A CONVERSATION**: - is taking place-

**THE MOVIE:** -is so quiet that you have to turn up your T.V. all the way, then frantically turn it down once they start speaking about the unimportant things-

**SHELLY**: Yeah, really, eh?

**WORMTAIL**: I'm going to make this so obvious that it ALMOST wrecks the movie…but, my Lord; we can do it WITHOUT the boy…

**SCHMEXY LORD VOLDEMORT**: NO! The boy is EVERYTHING!

**BOTH**: There is so much we could make out of that…

**VOLDIE:** It cannot be done without him and it will be done AS I SAY!

**KATEY**: Well, now we all know who Ralph Fiennes is talking about…-covers mouth- oops…

**UNKNOWN MAN**: Why I am here, I do not know, but I will not disappoint you, my Lord.

**SHELLY**: Did they keep ANYTHING from the books?

**THE CRICKETS**: -chirp at this comment-

**FRANK:** -is scared shitless because the big ass snake from the beginning is right behind him-

**THE SNAKE**: -hisses…but it almost sounds like a language…le gasp!-

**VOLDEMORT**: Ah. The big ass snake tells me that the old caretaker is standing right outside the door!

**FRANK**: -doesn't bother moving-

**BOTH**: Meh…I guess the flashlight doesn't really matter now. Bye Frank!

**VOLDEMORT**: I should have said 'invite him in, Wormtail, where are your manners?' but Steve Kloves doesn't care, so: Step aside, Wormtail, so I can give our guest a proper greeting!

**FRANK**: -dies. No joke-

**HARRY**: -wakes up, not in his bedroom at number four, but at the Burrow-

**HERMIONE**: -is so close to Harry's face, no wonder we have Harry/Hermione shippers- Harry!

**HARRY**: Hermione! Let me just royally fuck this line up and string my questions together.

**HERMIONE**: Good idea, we'll get through this fucked up film faster that way. You can't really act anyway, so let's just show it!

-walks over to Ron's bed-

Wake up! And don't go back to sleep.

**RON**: -is still asleep-

**HERMIONE**: -walks out-

_**Some Grassy Hill**_

**HARRY**: WTF Mate

**RON**: Search me...

**KATEY**: OKAY!!

**SHELLY**: -facepalm-

**ARTHUR**: I should know where we're going, but Steve Kloves decided not to let me know anything!

**AMOS**: Ah, look, it's the Weasleys! CEDRIC!

**CEDRIC**: -drops from tree-

**BOTH**: Now THAT'S what we're talking about!

**HARRY**: Can we wrap this scene up, plzkthnx?

**THE CHARACTERS ON SCREEN:** - grab boot and apparently have to let go of the Portkey instead of just letting it do what it's suppose to do-

_**The Quidditch Field**_

**THE QUIDDITCH MATCH**: -isn't even shown, so why they bothered to mention it is beyond me-

**THE QUIDDITCH FIELD**: -is invaded by people in stupid, fucked up costumes that include tall, pointed hats and fucked up skull masks-

**KATEY**: Well, now we know who the true Zelda fans are, eh?

**ARTHUR**: Fred! George! Ginny is YOUR responsibility!

**SHELLY**: Did he just say 'Fred', 'George', and 'responsible' in the same sentence?

**HARRY**: -is separated from everyone else and is tripped which, somehow (because his head never actually HIT the ground), knocks him out-

_**Time has passed...**_

**UNKNOWN MAN**: -raises wand and shoots a skull with a snake protruding from the mouth into the sky-

**HARRY**: -wakes up-

**RON AND HERMIONE**: -make a good couple- -coughs- -erm…are calling him-

**HARRY**: Yeah, some dude cast it; stop shooting crappy spells at us! I dunno who it was, I never saw his face.

**ARTHUR**: Good. If you knew who it was, you'd wreck the movie after a mere twenty minutes.

**RON**: Can we wrap this scene up, plzkthnx?

_**The Hogwarts Express**_

**HERMIONE**: Why are we bothering with this scene?! It's not important besides the fact that it shows Harry has a crush on Cho Fucking Chang! Or is it Cheech Fucking Chong?

**THE DRUGIES**: YAY! CHEECH AND CHONG!!

_**Hogwarts Grounds**_

**STEVE KLOVES**: -decided that we shouldn't wait until Halloween, but go straight to introducing the TriWizard Cup-

_**Great Hall**_

**DUMBLEDORE**: This is a fucked up scene, so we'll skip to introducing our guests. THE DURMSTRANGS AND THE BEAUXBATONS!!

**THE BEAUXBATONS**: -make the guys stare and the girls scowl and roll their eyes-

**THE DURMSTRANGS**: -make the girls stare and the guys scowl and roll their eyes-

**MADAME MAXIME**: -is somehow taller than Hagrid-

**KARKAROFF**: - is TOTALLY gay-

**MAXIME**: Yeah, my horses are drunks; just give 'em the damn whiskey.

**HAGRID**: -is love struck and stabs some dude-

**SOME DUDE:** Ow! You idiot!

**KATEY**: You idiot?!

**SHELLY:** I'd be like 'FUCK YOU! YOU OWE ME A HAND!!'

**DUMBLEDORE:** So, you must survive three tasks!

**KATEY:** Survive? Oh, yeah, sir. Now I REALLY want to join! -rolls eyes-

**DUMBLEDORE: **So…Yeah. Go. Eat. Whatever.

_**The Next Day**_

**FRED**: Just took it.

**HERMIONE**: Won't work, moron.

**GEORGE**: Why?

**HERMIONE**: Dumbledore drew the age line.

**TWINS**: -shrug and ignore her anyway, putting their names in the cup and getting thrown back with beards on their faces-

**HERMIONE**: -reads-

**TWINS**: -begin (for some reason) to fight (even though that wasn't in the book)-

**THE ROOM**: -falls quiet as Viktor Krum walks in-

**VIKTOR KRUM**: -puts his name in the Goblet-

**HERMIONE**: -stares-

**KRUM**: -stares back-

**HERMIONE**: -smirks-

**KRUM**: -walks away-

_**Next Night**_

**DUMBLEDORE:** Champion from Durmstrang…VIKTOR KRUM!

**SHELLY:** No shit, Sherlock. He's like, the only one who put his name in!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Champion for Beaubaxtons…FLEUR DELACOUR!

**KATEY:** And we didn't SEE her enter her name…like, fuck.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Champion for Hogwarts…CEDRIC DIGGORY!

**SHELLY:** We didn't see him put his name in either! What the FUCK is going on here! If he goes in, we'll all go in! It'll be anarchy!!

**KATEY:** And the references to **The Breakfast Club** begin. I apologize. Well, not really, but whatever.

**DUMBLEDORE:** So, we have our champions. w00t.

**THE GOBLET:** -glows again and blows out a piece of paper that is (if you look closely) lined. Like, wtf? –

**DUMBLEDORE:** -cocks an eyebrow and reads the paper- Harry Potter?

**HARRY:** Oh shit.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Harry Potter!

**HARRY:** -sits there-

**HERMIONE:** Harry! Go! Like, fuck!

**HAGRID:** Oh no.

**DUMBLEDORE:** HARRY POTTER!!

**KATEY:** Okay, seriously. How long does it take for some dude to realize he's being called?

**HARRY:** -goes into the room-

**DUMBLEDORE:** -bursts into the room and attempts to rape Harry-

**SHELLY:** O.o Whoa. WTF mate!!!

**KATEY:** Dude, I _know._

**DUMBLEDORE:** DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE DAMN CUP!

**HARRY:** Fuck no, man.

**DUMBLEDORE:** DID YOU GET ANOTHER STUDENT TO DO IT FOR YOU!

**HARRY:** Dude, I already said no!

**FIGHTING:** -ensues-

**HARRY:** -sneaks away-

_**Not sure how much later...**_

**DUMBLEDORE:** -is looking into a dish of jelly-

**SHELLY:** Mmm...mysterious jelly... -drool-

**McGONAGALL:** Dude, we've got to get Harry out of this. He could die. Fuck the rules!

**SNAPE:** Just let it happen, bitch!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Snapey-poo, I totally agree.

**THIS PART:** -wasn't even in the book-

_**Back in the dorms**_

**RON:** Ass wipe

**HARRY:** Jack ass

**RON:** Could've let me know how you entered.

**HARRY:** -has an angsty moment-

**RON:** Fuck you -goes to bed-

_**A few days later...**_

**RITA SKEETER:** Yay! Harry Potter! C'mere!

**HARRY:** -blinks and is dragged into a broom cupboard-

**SKEETER:** Mm. Cozy.

**HARRY:** Bitch, please. It's a cupboard!

**SKEETER:** You should feel right at home, then.

**NOTHING:** -burns more than that line-

**THE QUILL:** -is a bitch, just like Skeeter-

**HARRY:** Bitch, stop fucking up what I'm saying!

_**The lake...**_

**HARRY:** -is hanging out with Neville-

**RON, HERMIONE, AND GINNY:** -come along-

**HERMIONE:** Harry! Ron told me to tell you that Seamus told him that Dean was told by Parvati that Hagrid is looking for you.

**NOTHING:** -is longer than that line-

**HARRY:** Well, tell Ron that...wait, what the fuck?

**HERMIONE:** -almost falls into saying it again- Hagrid is looking for you.

**HARRY:** Well, you can tell Ron --

**HERMIONE:** DO I HAVE WINGS?! NO! I'M NOT A DAMNED OWL! FUCK OFF!

_**The forest**_

**HAGRID:** Put on your cloak.

**HARRY:** DRAGONS?!

**HAGRID:** Yesh. Now leave me so Maxime and I can have a sloppy snog session.

_**The grounds**_

**PEOPLE:** -are wearing 'Potter Stinks" badges-

**KATEY:** They put in the badges, but they don't put in the Quidditch game, or the Omnioculars?

**STEVE KLOVES:** The badges were cheap!

**HARRY:** -drags Cedric away from crowd- Dragons, bitch.

**CEDRIC:** Oh fuck, seriously?

**HARRY:** -nods, then walks way only to yell at Ron-

**DRACO:** -and Katey, sitting in a tree. F - U - C - K - I - N - G!-

**SHELLY:** Oh no...

**KATEY:** ...

**DRACO:** -is sitting in a tree- Daddy and I have a bet. He thinks you'll last five minutes. I think you'll last ten. -winks seductively-

**HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS:** YUSSS!!

**HARRY:** -has another angst-ridden moment that's laced with anger-

**DRACO:** -tries to curse Harry, but is turned into a ferret-

**MOODY:** -has his fun, then is told off by McGonagall-

**DRACO:** -runs off like a scared little bitch-

_**Moody's office**_

**MOODY:** -basically tells Harry how to defeat his dragon-

**HARRY:** OH! Okay, I get it. Cool!

_**The First Task tent**_

**HERMIONE:** -snuck into the tent and hugs Harry-

**HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS:** YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

**KATEY:** Only the H/Hr shippers...

**SKEETER:** -encourages the H/Hr ship-

**THE FIRST TASK:** -begins-

_**The dragon den**_

**HARRY:** -obviously thought that getting to the golden egg would be as simple as walking up and grabbing it-

**THE DRAGON:** -thinks differently-

**HARRY:** -is shocked-

**THE DRAGON:** -ain't takin' no shit from no one, yo! Wurrrd-

**HERMIONE:** -starts yelling at Harry- USE YOUR WAND, HARRY!!

**HARRY:** Dammit, bitch, not now! I'm in public!

**HERMIONE:** USE YOUR GODDAMN WAND!

**HARRY:** -uses his wand-

**SHELLY:** In public?

**KATEY:** -slaps Shelly upside the head-

**HARRY:** -is chased through the air by the dragon that somehow got free of its chain-

**KATEY:** And he owes HOW much for castle repairs?

**HARRY:** -gets the egg-

**HERMIONE:** -has a heart attack-

**HARRY AND RON:** -are suddenly friends again-

**HERMIONE:** ...boys... -is confuzzled-

**KATEY:** Oh, I hear ya.

_**The Great Hall**_

**HERMIONE:** -is pissed off at the newspaper-

**RON:** -gets a package- Mum's sent me something. ...Mum sent me a dress...

**HARRY:** Well, it does match your eyes. Is there a bonnet? Ah HA!

**RON:** Ginny, I think these are for you...

**GINNY:** I'm not wearing that! It's ghastly!

**NOTHING:** -is funnier than that scene-

_**Some Classroom**_

**McGONAGALL:** -will teach them how to dance if it's the last thing she does-

**THE GIRLS:** -are anxious and excited-

**THE GUYS:** -are wishing they were elsewhere-

**NEVILLE:** -kicks ass and gets up-

**SHELLY:** NEVILLE!

_**Outside**_

**HARRY AND RON:** -are trying to get dates and failing miserably-

**HARRY:** Why do they have to travel in packs?!

**KATEY:** We do NOT travel in PACKS! We travel in...in...large groups. There's a difference. You make us sound like lions!

**SHELLY:** Rawr, baby -claw thing-

_**Snape's Class**_

**THIS SCENE:** -is almost as funny as the dress robes scene-

**HERMIONE:** -tells Ron to shove it 'cause she's got a date to the Ball-

**RON:** -is disappointed-

_**The Owlery**_

**HARRY:** -gets turned down by Cho Chang-

_**Common Room**_

**RON:** -just finished yelling at Fleur before taking off. Obviously has no date-

_**Great Hall**_

**HARRY AND RON:** -are partnered with the Patil twins-

**HERMIONE:** -comes out of nowhere looking very pretty-

**KRUM:** -is Hermione's date-

**RON:** -is obviously jealous-

**THE BALL:** -begins-

**THE SCENE:** -switches to a mosh pit out of nowhere-

**KATEY:** I even know most of the words!

**SHELLY:** -facepalm-

**RON AND HERMIONE:** -argue about Viktor Krum being the enemy- -argue about last resorts-

_**Dorm Room**_

**HARRY:** -has another nightmare-

_**The Bridge**_

**HERMIONE:** Viktor's more of a physical being...

**KATEY AND SHELLY:** -aren't the only dirty minded ones here-

**HARRY:** -starts to snicker-

**HERMIONE:** -realizes what she said- NEVERMIND!

**HARRY:** Ha!

**HERMIONE:** You're trying to figure this out, right?

**HARRY:** No, I figured I'd like to die.

**CEDRIC:** Yo! Potter! You tipped me off. Now it's my turn ;)

**HARRY:** Whoa dude!

**CEDRIC:** Take a bath with your egg. Have some fun ;)

**HARRY:** ...WTF?

_**Prefect's Bathroom**_

**HARRY:** -is naked-

**KATEY:** -licks lips-

**MYRTLE:** -is flirting heavily with Harry-

**KATEY:** OI! BITCH! GET THE FUCK OFF MY MAN!!

**MYRTLE:** -is being bossy ;) -

**HARRY:** -listens to Myrtle-

**THE EGG:** -is put under the water and screws up the poem-

**SHELLY:** Katey, give up. They won't keep anything.

**KATEY:** KEEL YOU ALL!!!

_**Library**_

**HERMIONE:** ...WTF?

**HARRY:** -repeats the first line of the poem-

**HERMIONE:** Well, obvious.

**HARRY:** -repeats next line-

**HERMIONE:** Again, obvious. Although, admittedly, potentially problematic...

**HARRY:** -has yet another angsty moment-

**RON:** -is there, but not doing anything, and therefore wasn't paid for that scene-

**SHELLY:** Ron's totally thinking, 'Yeah, dude. I _soooo_ don't have to be sober for this scene -cool face-'

_**Second Task**_

**NEVILLE:** -is just trying to help-

**HARRY:** -is being a jackass-

**MOODY:** -pushes Harry into the lake-

**HARRY:** -turns into a fishy-

**NEVILLE:** -is worried-

**EVERYONE:** -is watching the lake-

**NEVILLE:** OMG! I KILLED HARRY POTTER!

**THAT LINE:** -kicks ass-

**HARRY:** -sees a mermaid, but doesn't bother to follow it-

**THE MUSIC:** -gets WAY dramatic-

**THE FLOATING DOLLS:** -are apparently supposed to look like characters we know-

**HARRY:** -frees Ron and attempts to free Hermione, but gets told off by a mermaid. Saves the last hostage anyway. Comes in second place. Chats with Mr Crouch-

**MR CROUCH:** -gets all weird-

**MOODY:** ...and they say _I'm_ mad!

**HARRY:** Nah. It's just a plot point, dude. You're not mad : D

_**Forbidden**__** Dark Forest**_

**HARRY:**** -is purposely straying away from Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid-**

**RON, HERMIONE, AND HAGRID:**** -start singing the Hogwarts song that was only in the **_**first**_** book-**

**HARRY:**** -finds a dead Mr Crouch- See? Plot point.**

_**Dumbledore's Office**_

**HARRY:** -is pulled into the dish of jelly-

**SHELLY:** Mmm. Jelly

**HARRY:** -finds out about Mr Crouch's son and is pulled back into the office and has a chat with Albus-

_**Hallway**_

**HARRY:** -runs into Snape-

**SNAPE:** -introduces Harry to Veritaserum- Know what this is?

**HARRY:** ...bubble juice, Sir?

**NOTHING:** -is more sarcastic than that line-

**SNAPE:** -tells Harry what it is, accuses him of stealing, then slams the door in his face-

_**The Final Task**_

**KATEY:** Fuck man. Finally!

**THE THIRD TASK:** -is a hedge-

**THE HEDGE:** -eats people...O.o-

**HARRY:** -saves Cedric from being maze food-

**HARRY AND CEDRIC:** -both take the cup-

**THE CUP:** -is a portkey-

**HARRY AND CEDRIC:** -are transported to a graveyard-

**CEDRIC:** -is murdered-

**THIS PART:** -is difficult to make humourous because it's so serious and important, but we'll try-

**VOLDEMORT:** -returns-

**HARRY:** Ah, shizznats.

**VOLDEMORT:** I CAN TOUCH YOU!

**HARRY:** -moans-

**VOLDEMORT:** -has some fun-

**HARRY/VOLDEMORT SHIPPERS:** YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

**KATEY:** Yeah...no. Don't even.

**THE NEXT COUPLE OF SCENES:** -are too sad to make fun of-

_**Moody's Office**_

**HARRY:** -finds out that Moody's a fake-

**MOODY:** -turns into Crouch Junior-

**CROUCH JR:** I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

**BOTH:** ...

**THE REST OF THIS SCENE:** -states the obvious-

_**The Great Hall**_

**THIS SCENE:** -will not be made fun of because of the content and the fact that _I_ even cried-

_**Dorm Room**_

**HARRY:** Sir, my wand connected with Voldemort's.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Priori Incantatum

**SHELLY:** ...WTF, sir?

**DUMBLEDORE:** -explains-

**SHELLY:** Ah...WTF, sir?

_**Outside**_

**KRUM:** -gives Hermione something-

**ANGELINA:** -is shown for like, the first time in the movie, and goes over to Hermione, curious about said something-

**FLEUR:** -kisses Ron's cheek-

**THE BEAUXBATONS:** -walk off and leave-

**THE DURMSTRANGS:** -do the same-

**RON:** Think we'll ever have a quiet year at Hogwarts?

**HARRY, HERMIONE, KATEY, AND SHELLY:** No.

**HERMIONE:** ...everything's going to change now, isn't it?

**BOTH:** ...no shit, Sherlock.

**HERMIONE:** Promise you'll write.

**RON:** You know I won't.

**HERMIONE:** Harry will.

**HARRY:** ...Yeah. Every week.

**TRANSLATION:** ...Ye...no.

**THE MOVIE:** -ends with the two other schools leaving-

**THE MUSIC:** -might not be by John Williams, but is relaxing all the same-

**THE MOVIE:** -is over. Stop reading. Bloody hell-


End file.
